I really hate to admit this, but sometimes I am incredibly unconfident, and what’s even worse is that sometimes it stops me from doing things I really want to do.

IT SUCKS. If I’m just being honest.

I remember in high school I wanted to be on the dance team, but I didn’t because I was scared as heck to try out and fail. I also remember several occasions where I didn’t feel confident about the way I looked, and because of that I stayed home from friend outings and events. And now fast forward to today. I am graduated from college, but I have yet to be in a job that I adore and feel like I am truly using the skills God gave me. I have a job, but I have cried many nights because I didn’t know what I was doing, felt no purpose, or was scared of handling certain situations. I have dreams of owning my own online copywriting and design business, and in my heart I believe I could do so well and would kill to use my gifts that way, but in my head I have so much fear and doubt. I just can’t jump the gun and do it, ya know?

As young wives or young women, we have so much freaking uncertainty:

Will I ever find a good guy?

When will I get to have a relationship/life like [insert girl’s name who seems to have it all]

How will I pay off all of my school loans?

What if I can’t find a job or I’m stuck doing things I hate all my life?

How do I support my husband with [x,y,z) going on?

The list could go on, right?

I’m guessing if you’re reading this you might be able to relate, so here’s the first thing I want to say. You are not alone. I am with you, and I know we are not the only Christians who fight this.

So what gives? Are we really Christians if we have so much doubt and fear?

I was trying to mull this over in my head, and it’s tough because lacking confidence in yourself really seems like lacking confidence in God, but I want to argue otherwise.

David, from the BIble, was called “a man after God’s own heart,” but we see in the Psalms how he was scared, confused, and begging for God’s help. He lacked confidence and had some really tough moments, but he never doubted God’s presence or love, or else he wouldn’t have prayed so fervently and asked so much of God. I think that is what we need to focus on when we are seriously lacking some confidence. We don’t need to beat ourselves up even more, but tell God what’s going on and ask Him to give us what we need.

To be honest, my go-to is often guilt or shame. Why don’t I trust God to get me through this situation? Why do I let my stupid fears stop me from doing what I’m supposed to? Am I letting God down?

But that doesn’t help anything. It only makes me feel worse and want to wallow in depression because I’m not tackling my goals, I’m not satisfying God (which is not a thing, mind you), I’m sometimes bringing my husband down, and I’m overall just failing.

Please please don’t let yourself believe those lies. That’s what they are. We can absolutely never make God dissatisfied or ashamed, and He will love us through absolutely any thought, action, or lack of action.

His grace is limitless, and when we rest in that and get rid of the guilt, we can make steps towards acting in confidence.

I am not a good example of self-confidence and courage, but I can tell you I’ve done some courageous things, so I want to share how to make that happen and live the life you want even when you’re the queen of self-doubt (or socially anxious, have negative body image, or a host of other mental hang-ups)

1. Surround yourself with people who love and encourage you + make a plan

This is imperative if you have self-doubt. I am incredibly lucky and have a husband who is my biggest cheerleader. If he sees I am anxious or can tell I am struggling, he will sit down with me and figure out EXACTLY what I’m feeling, and then we will go through those thoughts and disqualify them with examples of why they are lies, talk about how I can handle the situation with specific steps, and finally he encourages the heck of out me. He tells me that he is proud of me, reminds me of my skills or positive qualities, and reminds me that God is standing right next to me or carrying me through every situation.

Please do not seek out people who break you down, make you question yourself, or are constantly self-doubting and negative and try to make you feel that way too. That will make the situation 10x worse and you will never learn to overcome the fear. Find at least one person who you trust and can bear your heart to and that loves the heck out of you. I truly believe God give us angels to uplift us, and I swear we each need at least one. You just might even begin to think like them and become more courageous!

2. Make a list of times God has emboldened you/rescued you/turned a situation for good

This one is incredibly helpful and a big testament for God’s power. When has God answered a prayer for you? Given you a better outcome than you expected? Made a positive outcome from a terrible situation? Saved you or someone you love from despair?

Do we think He can’t do that again? I promise you, He absolutely can, and He will. Trust that and use that to motivate you to take action and be emboldened.

3. Make a choice and take action

This one isn’t as fun, but sometimes when I don’t know what God is asking of me, feel really unsure or confused, or am terrified to do something I need/really want to do, I simply have to make a choice that it is going to happen, plan steps (sometimes really small simple ones to get the ball rolling) to get there, and do it. I have to get out of my head and dive in before I’m ready or before I think to much. If you have a dream—do you really want your lack of confidence to stop you from reaching it? What if….? What if you just went for it, and succeeded?

4. Read the Bible/devotionals consistently

Without a doubt, remembering God’s truth when we are struggling is the most important thing to moving us forward and helping us overcome insecurity and fear. Reading the Bible consistently reminds us of who God is, how much love He has for us, and the great promises He has for our lives. The Bible is daunting sometimes, but just jump into it. Find a passage and make it a habit to continue reading through the book you’re in. Just let God speak to your heart and listen as He shows you Bible characters who also dealt with challenging situations and trusted God enough to let Him transform their situation. Find devotionals that you love to keep you inspired as well. And don’t just let other people tell you what to read. The reason there are a million devotionals out there is because each one speaks to different people, so go spend a little time in a book store or online until you find a few that speak to YOUR heart and YOUR situation. That will help you to connect better and enjoy getting to know God each day.

5. Make promises to yourself and keep them

Ed Mylett talks about this being the most important way to actually become a more confident person. Decide on some small promises you’d like to make to yourself—for example, waking up at 6 a.m. each day to spend time with God, only eating the amount that you prepped for yourself at lunch today, going to workout after work 3 days this week—and then keep those promises. Do each thing you set out to do, and over time you will build trust in yourself and begin to realize your potential. When you practice small and become consistent, then you can make bigger promises and goals, and you can be confident that because you accomplished all of your goals up until that point, you know that you can accomplish this bigger goal. You have a relationship with yourself just like any other person in your life. Are you building trust and confidence with yourself or breaking it? This is something I just recently learned and am really working on!

6. Instill confidence in someone else

When you are feeling down in the dumps, oftentimes doing something for another person will bring you joy and uplift your mood. It works similarly with confidence. If your husband is doing something new and he’s a little nervous, build him up and tell him that you believe in him. Remind him of his amazing qualities and why he is going to crush this thing. Talk out his fears and reassure him that God is walking alongside him and will give him strength at the exact time he needs it. Guess what? Those exact same encouragements apply to you and me, and once I’m done giving my husband a pep talk, usually I feel more confident and motivated myself as well. And also, when you encourage someone else about being confident and tackling one of their goals or challenges, you gain a sense of mutual accountability towards being courageous.

I don’t have the magical key to living a confident life, but I will tell you that I believe life isn’t about having it all figured out and being the strongest or most talented. It is about trusting God and allowing Him to work through your struggles and insecurities and saying, God, I can’t do this by myself, but I know that with you I can.