My #1 Marriage Advice After the First 6 Months

We’ve been married for 6 months this week.

6 MONTHS!

I know, I know, that’s nothing compared to 10 and 20 years, but what blows my mind is just how truly fast it’s gone already. I remember just talking with my husband last spring about how I couldn’t wait for the long distance to end. It felt like ages until our wedding day, and now here we are.

So I thought it might be interesting to do a little reflection on our time so far and what hasn’t worked for us and what has. For time’s sake we’re going to dive right in.

What’s Worked

1. Talking about money extensively, learning to budget, and learning how to have a conversation about it openly.

   I am naturally a saver and my husband is not, so talks about strapping down on our budget so that we could pay off our school loans quickly was HARD. We were introduced to Dave Ramsey’s practices a while back, so it was always a goal of mine to make sure we could handle our money since we were coming into the game young and without much job experience under our belts. Let me tell you, we don’t make very much yet, but our finances are under control, we have zero arguments about it (okay, every now and then, but barely. Monthly allowances help A LOT with this), and we have been able to set up an emergency fund and pay several thousand dollars on our loans already.

2. Getting really real with one another.

   I won’t go into it much in this post, but let’s just say that I had been struggling with an issue that I kept secret from my husband for several months. I tell him everything, so this was not normal, but I was so embarrassed and ashamed I just couldn’t bring myself to tell him. One day he found out on his own, and what it led to was a us holding each other on the floor with tears running down our faces as I told him about my struggles and he sat there devastated because he hadn’t known the pain I’d been going through. And he was so hurt that I didn’t feel that I could confide in him. I was so worried that I would embarrass him or make him ashamed of me, when in the end he was in pain because he couldn’t be there for me or feel that I fully trusted him. He also ended up sharing with me something that had been holding him down. Guys, telling each other everything is SO important for intimacy and closeness. When you truly love one another, NOTHING you say can make your husband ashamed of you, so please confide in the Lord and in him, as your God-given partner.

3. Figuring out a plan for family time

   I wish I was one of those amazing daughter’s-in-law who does great with his family, adores spending time with them, and never bawks at an impromptu entire afternoon at their house, but I’M NOT. I try to be loving, but as a type- A introvert, I need to know, in advance, when we will see family, how long we will be there, and what to expect. We agreed to split family holidays every other, but we live a lot closer to his family than to mine, so we end up meeting with them almost every week. This is perfectly fine, but it helps my sanity to plan it out. For instance, we plan to have dinner with them, for sure, every other Sunday night. Or, we get lunch after church every Sunday and then head our separate ways. That works for me. I’m not a spontaneous planner.

4. Talking about health goals

   I am pretty health conscious and my husband is not, and while this doesn’t seem like a big deal, it can really be hard for us to understand where the other one is coming from and to not get frustrated. He wants pizza. I want grilled chicken and broccoli. Or I want to get a work out in and he wants to relax all day. Again, it’s about planning ahead for us. I learned quickly that I needed to share that I want to eat healthy and workout during the weekdays, and that he could do otherwise but I wasn’t going to cook that way or eat with him. I get that it may sound harsh, but we each have goals, and we have to be true to ourselves as well.

5. Being really cheesy

   This one doesn’t sound as concrete as the others, and it’s not. But mannnn is it amazing. You know that experience when your totally googly-eyed for your man and other people with you are like “gross, gag me.” Or maybe you don’t do that overboard stuff in public, cause, believe me, I don’t. So uncomfortable. But let me tell you, my hubby and I are SO cheesy and lovey dovey and cute with one another at home, and it inspires the most special, giddy feeling to be treated that way. I cannot tell you how loved I feel, and how much more loving it makes me want to be towards him.

   IF YOU DO NOTHING ELSE IN YOUR MARRIAGE, DO NOT STOP GOING OVER THE TOP FOR YOUR MAN.

   I promise you it is worth it and will be so great for both of you. It might be silly or childish or totally over the top for anyone outside your marriage, but INSIDE YOUR MARRIAGE IS YOUR RESPONSIBILITY TO KEEP THE FIRE BURNING HOT. So, I mean, if this will help, then duh, just do it. It’s fun, I promise.

What We Need To Work On

1. Devotional/Prayer Time

   I hate to admit that, but hey, that’s the point of this, right? We started having a Sunday night “meeting” where we would pray, have a devotional, and share needs, thoughts, goods/bads, etc. in preparation for the coming week. Well…we haven’t done that in probably 2 months. Yikes..so, moving forward, it is my goal to make sure we are focusing on the precious time. I have set an alarm on my phone that will go off every Sunday night at 7:00pm, and my hope is that we will get into a routine of doing this every week and learn to look forward to it and cherish it.

2. Goal setting

   To be completely honest I don’t know what all of the goals we should have are, but I want to be more thoughtful about this and work on setting goals that inspire and push us to have a deeper, better relationship, reach our financial goals, know God better, keep life exciting and driven, and so forth. I want us to live each phase of our lives intentionally and be excited about what we are working towards, so this is in the works! We have set some goals, but I want it to become a monthly practice so that we continue going in a positive direction and don’t become distant or complacent with each other or our lives.

3. …Sex

   I’m embarrassed to say this one, but I am also so incredibly driven to have the best marriage possible, so I know that this needs to be a focus. I am incredibly attracted to my husband, but I have a pretty low sex drive. Not very inspiring for a new marriage, and also something that brings me guilt when I feel that I am not satisfying my husband as often as he would like. I am completely open to recommendations on this, but I also think part of it is me learning how to enjoy sex and get excited for it even if I am not initially “in the mood.” In Girl, Wash Your Face, Rachel Hollis talks about how she had to learn how to enjoy sex and make herself think that it would be the best thing that could possibly happen to her in that moment. Not whatever show she was watching, not an incredible dinner, not the kids, not anything but sex with her husband. That seems kind of crazy, but it’s honestly the mindset I want to have. I often think oh, we don’t really need to do this right now. I’m tired, I just want to watch TV. Ugh, I could kick myself. Sex is important for our marriage, and I don’t believe you have to have sex, but it is one heck of a way to keep intimacy and stop your relationship from drifting to a point where you don’t do anything special together anymore. So, long story short, I believe it will take a mindset shift and also practice. Practice to make it awesome and something I get used to enjoying. Maybe a weird way to look at it, I don’t know, but it’s something that I want to be better.

4. Expectations

   I had lots of expectations going into marriage. I thought we would each help clean up the house and eat all of our dinners together and have deep, meaningful conversations all the time, and being on our phones would never be an issue. Well, I’m here to state that I was laughingly wrong, and it’s not because we have a bad marriage. We actually have a really great one, but I was stopping us from creating our own marriage by expecting things that I had seen in my parent’s relationship, in movies, or just made up in my own head. There were other times where I expected my husband to react in certain ways to my emotions, or to love me in certain ways, but HE DIDN’T KNOW WHAT I EXPECTED, and thus he wasn’t able to meet my expectations. It wasn’t his fault at all. It was mine.

   The solution is as easy and as hard as simply telling my husband how I need him to handle certain situations, and vice versa. Obviously we aren’t trying to manipulate one another, but if, say, when I am discouraged and need to talk everything out to him and need him to fully listen and converse back, even if he can’t fully sympathize or understand, then I need to tell him those things. Only then can he be more prepared for the situation if I’ve told him that I need that kind of support. Or if I want him to take the garbage out every week and I’ll take care of all the cleaning, we need to discuss that situation up front so that both of us know the expectation. If somebody doesn’t do their part, then grace must come into play, but the point is that expectations are harmful and they hurt. No bueno, and it’s something that I need to consciously be thinking about and have an open mind and a willingness to talk about my needs with my husband.

5. Wishing we were further along than we are

   Marriage is just like our lives in general. We look at others and wish we had what they had. We wish we had our college paid for like that one couple, or we wish we landed amazing jobs like our friends did. We wish we lived in a nicer apartment or a town we liked better. This happens to me more than my husband, but I get discouraged that life isn’t exactly how I want it and I just can’t wait for us to move on to the next phase. Well, as I’ve learned just from reflecting on this post, time flies. We are already six months in, and I don’t want to look back a year or five from now and remember how bummed I was during our early months because we didn’t have “it all.” It brings me down and then brings my husband down, and it doesn’t help the situation at all. We have so many beautiful moments in our current situation, and I know that God has important lessons in every phase of our lives and doesn’t want us to miss them. Practicing gratitude is big these days, and I believe starting to do that will greatly help this challenge. There are so many things to be grateful for every single day, and my goal is to begin writing out 3 things in detail every single day to help shift my mindset. Hey, I never said I was perfect, so I’m sharing things that I need to work on, and maybe it will inspire someone else as well. That’s my only hope.

There are loads of other lessons we’ve learned throughout this season, but those are some of the bigger ones I’ve realized. Overall I believe my challenge as a wife is to remember to submit fully to God and to my husband, and remembering to have that as my first intention above all else is the first step to making the other choices, actions, and emotions fall into place.

If you took away nothing else from all of this, just remember to go crazy for your man and love him like you mean it. Have fun and don’t take anything as too gushy or childish. I believe love like that is the ultimate glorification of God and the marriage that He’s give to us.

Lessons From a Dead Christmas Tree - How We Can Redeem Our Imperfections

I’m embarrassed to admit it, but we got home after getting OUR VERY FIRST CHRISTMAS TREE last weekend, and I started fluffing the branches to fan them out a bit…and what catches me eye but BROWN NEEDLES!

Not a SINGLE pine needle on the inside layers near the trunk was green.

Literally all BROWN! :(

If I wasn’t such a cheap skate and we hadn’t just spent an hour hauling the darn thing out of the car and into the apartment, trying desperately not to let a needle touch our precious landlord’s floor—I would’ve gone right back and bought a new tree!

And I would’ve scoured those darn needles for any hints of dead-ness! Hindsight is 20/20 right?

Well, here we are, with our dead tree that is barely holding onto to his life, and he’s honestly just fooling the outside world, ya know? He’s all green and sprucey on the outside, trying to make our first Christmas extra special, but inside he is a hot mess.

Okay, I promise to stop going on about the tree like it’s our dog or child (just so you know, though, his name is Sprucester), but the point is that this whole tree situation got me to thinking about my own outward appearance vs. inner defects and issues.

So here’s my thought process..

Marriage, especially in the first months or years (or anytime, really) is supposed to look pretty. It’s supposed to work out and you’re supposed to be happy. Maybe I’m just generalizing, but you get married because you’re in love, and then the precedent is that you are supposed to feel so full of love and lust for life >>>>OUTER GREEN LAYER THAT’S SPRUCEY and BEAUTIFUL.

I mean, in the story books the couples don’t get married and then become depressed and frustrated and not sure what life is supposed to look like, but, if I’m being honest, I have felt all of those things since getting married>>>>INNER BROWN, SUFFERING NEEDLES HIDDEN FROM SIGHT.

It hasn’t been long term or because of huge issues. In fact, I have the most loving husband on the earth who constantly showers me with praise and compliments, I have a good job that pays decent, and we are fitting expenses within our budget and having some great times together.

If I just told you those things, I would appear like our sweet Christmas tree that is green and robust and covered with beautiful decorations.

But there’s a lot more to the story. This transition from college-life, living at home with parents, no real expectations/responsibilities to, doing what I believe God was asking my now-husband and I to do, getting married, has been a real challenge.

You go from being sort-of defined by your parents and what they do and where they live to (if you’re like us) moving several hours away in a place where no one knows you and having to make all of those decisions and impressions on your own…it’s HARD.

My husband graduated college and we waited for him to find a job to decided where we would live (since our home towns are hours apart), and then I had to find a job at that point. As an English major without a lot of experience, I had no clue what I was supposed to do.

To shorten this up…I suffered with missing my parents, being afraid I wasn’t going to be able to help support us financially, wallowing in inferiority and shame because I made so much less money than my husband, floating in uncertainty about my role as a wife and if I was doing good enough, and even once I got a job I stressed greatly because I didn’t know what I supposed to be doing there and I deal with sometimes-major social anxiety.

On top of all of this, we hadn’t and really still have not made much community where we live, which equals no one but my husband and sometimes my mom to hear my struggles and listen to me fret about them.

…that seems pretty brown and ugly to me.

Honestly, I’m not so unlike our sad Christmas tree. I have the best and brightest smile (not to brag or anything, just your high school best smile award right here) when I’m at work and around other people, just like the pretty outsides of our tree, but inside sometimes I struggle.

I am a Christian and I love God so much and am working to kill some of these dark things, but they still taunt and tempt us sometimes, am I right?

Christians don’t just magically get to side-step the hard things in life, but I think sometimes we like to pretend we have it all together and don’t want to show people our shady insides.

That Christmas tree sitting in our living room has its share of issues, but that doesn’t disqualify it from bringing us joy and filling our home with love and reminders of Jesus. Yes, the tree isn’t a Christian symbol, but to me it is a daily reminder of the celebration we get to be a part of every single year, and that tree is still loved and doing its part in our home.

“You are the light of the world. A town built on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven.” Matthew 5:14-16

That’s my takeaway from this little analogy in my head: that EVERY SINGLE ONE OF US, whether we are struggling or feeling stronger than every in our faiths, CAN AND IS CALLED TO BE REMINDERS OF JESUS.

How cool is that? We don’t have to have it all together, and we shouldn’t be expected to either. God is challenging and growing us constantly, and honestly the devil is attacking us frequently as well, especially if we are really trying to be vessels of faith.

That means we are going to be a little messy sometimes, and I’m challenging myself during these times to, first, make sure I am sharing that with people and being real about my struggles, even if they are ugly, and, second, I am shining a light and loving people and seeking God’s purpose and will even when I don’t feel qualified or successful myself.

I hope that this resonates with you, whether you are a wife or single or going through a trial or not, and maybe just smile and be reminded that imperfection doesn’t equal inability and disqualification.

We are in this dang race till the very end and we are going to be champs for Jesus through thick and thin, ugly and beautiful. Heck yes, I’m in.